Prelude
by Lady Arreya
Summary: Missing moments from the episode "Threshold." Prequel to my AU story "Breaking Barriers." P/T.


Originally written May 1999

Title: Prelude  
Rating: K+  
Summary: Missing moments from the episode "Threshold." Prequel to my AU story "Breaking Barriers." P/T.

* * *

Harry watched uneasily as Tom grabbed a few Kelavian biscuits from B'Elanna's plate, half-expecting her to deck Tom, but it didn't happen. She gave him an exasperated look, but that was all.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Harry reached over for a few biscuits himself, then stopped as he noticed B'Elanna's glare, which clearly said, "Not you, too!"

"Umm... Can I have some biscuits, B'Elanna?" he asked meekly.

She sighed in resignation, holding out the plate to him even though it meant that there would be hardly any biscuits left for her. Not after Neelix, Tom and Harry had all helped themselves. _Oh, well. _She had more important things to think about, anyway, now that Tom and Harry had solved their latest problem.

They headed back to the holodeck, chattering excitedly about how they were sure that this would work. This time.

B'Elanna couldn't help but smile as Tom gestured animatedly, completely caught up in his work. She loved seeing him like this, with his defenses down. He was so real, so genuine, and his enthusiasm was contagious.

She had gotten to know him so much better through working on the transwarp project. The three of them had been working on this project for days on end, and it had brought them closer together. Of course she had always considered Harry a good friend, but she was usually more cautious when dealing with Tom. At least, she had been.

Until now.

He was incredible, she had to admit. Intelligent, knowledgeable, dedicated, hard-working... B'Elanna was amazed by how much he knew and how much he contributed. She had always dismissed him as someone who couldn't appreciate the finer technical details of any complex project that required engineering skills, but she had been completely wrong in judging his abilities. Obviously she hadn't given him enough credit, because when he was truly interested in something, he gave it his all. Tom picked up things quickly and was constantly coming up with new ideas. His creativity, energy and charisma kept the group going.

In the past she'd been reluctant to accept his overtures of friendship, suspicious of his motives, but she'd since realized that there was no reason to be. He was charming, but he was also very sincere with her. It was clear that he took her seriously and would never treat her as just another potential conquest. He respected her too much to do that.

B'Elanna had to admit that she was thoroughly enjoying the time she was spending with him. A strong friendship had developed between them. She was surprised by how much closer they'd become in such a short time. Usually, she had a difficult time becoming close friends with people, but with Tom, it was all so easy. He was easy to talk to, fun to be with...

No wonder everyone liked him so much.

Her attention returned to the task at hand as Harry asked her a question about the transwarp engines.

After setting up a depolarization matrix around the fuselage, they completed entering the new parameters for the flight simulation and were ready to try it again.

She smiled to herself, knowing that Tom had come up with this brilliant idea. It was so simple, but it was the answer to all their problems. And he was being so modest about it, claiming that it was due to Neelix's genius. As if that were even remotely possible. She shook her head. She had overheard Neelix say, "I have no idea what they just said," after Tom and Harry had discussed it. Tom was just being modest, refusing to take credit for the idea even though he was perfectly entitled.

The first few times, it didn't quite work, but they readjusted other variables to compensate for the subspace stress.

Finally... it worked!

They had finally done it. All their hard work and effort had finally paid off. They could cross the transwarp threshold.

In all the excitement, Tom engulfed his colleagues in an exuberant hug. Startled, B'Elanna froze for a moment... but then she hugged him back. And liked it, to her greater surprise.

She didn't usually engage in much physical contact with others, as most people were afraid of the consequences of invading her personal space and weren't likely to initiate anything. She certainly didn't initiate much contact either, considering that she wasn't very comfortable with it. Even with the people she was closest to, like Chakotay and Harry, it was awkward at times.

But with Tom, it didn't bother her at all. Most of the time, he didn't even realize that he was doing it. It was all so natural.

She liked that he could be so familiar with her in a friendly manner, not standoffish and maintaining a distance the way most people did. And not overly familiar, either. It was a perfect balance. It was comfortable.

B'Elanna found that it had become an unconscious habit for her, too. More than once lately she had caught herself, realizing that she had her hand on his arm unnecessarily or was patting his shoulder or something like that. She felt at ease with him.

Perhaps it also had something to do with the fact that she was irresistibly drawn to him. He was incredibly good-looking, and she was attracted to him in a way that she had never been attracted to anyone else.

But she tried not to dwell on that, because that part made her nervous.

Harry was laughing, clapping them on the back, and B'Elanna was suddenly aware that she had lingered a little too long in Tom's embrace. She hastily pulled away, blushing and unable to look at him.

However, she couldn't resist sneaking a glance in his direction a few moments later. He caught her eye and gave her a sheepish grin, which she returned, much reassured.

* * *

"This calls for a celebration," Tom proclaimed, grinning from ear to ear. "Why don't we go to Sandrine's?"

"Sounds good," Harry agreed.

B'Elanna nodded as well.

They were still glowing from their success. During the conference, Captain Janeway had complimented them on their excellent teamwork and given them the go-ahead for a manned test flight of the transwarp drive the following day.

They headed off to Sandrine's to shoot some pool, have a few drinks, and chat with friends and fellow crewmembers who would no doubt be impressed with the success of their project.

As usual, Tom was quite the center of attention with all the women around him hanging on his every word as he recounted the successful flight simulation with characteristic drama, style and flair.

B'Elanna watched from a distance, feeling a twinge of annoyance that surprised her. _Why should I care?_ She pushed it aside.

At least that mindless holographic woman who was usually all over Tom wasn't present, she consoled herself.

Actually, B'Elanna was receiving quite a bit of attention herself, especially from Freddie Bristow and Ensign Murphy and quite a few others. She had her own bevy of admirers, but she didn't really care. Other than a passing thought that they were something of a nuisance but it was nothing she couldn't handle, she mostly ignored them.

She couldn't stop staring at Tom. Freddie followed her gaze, realizing who she was looking at. He snorted derisively.

"Tom Paris thinks he's so great... but I'll bet it was really you and Harry who did all the work."

"That's not true," B'Elanna said hotly. "Tom contributed a lot to this project. He came up with some brilliant ideas. Like containing the fuselage with a depolarization matrix to compensate for the velocity differential so that the tritanium hull wouldn't tear away from the nacelles. That had us stumped for the longest time. We couldn't have done it without him."

"Paris actually came up with that by himself? I find that hard to believe. What does he know about engineering, anyway? He's just a pilot," said Murphy a little too loudly, probably because he was under the influence of synthehol.

"He knows a great deal about engineering. You'd be surprised if you took the time to think about anything besides yourself," she snapped. The room became very quiet all of a sudden, but B'Elanna didn't notice. She was too busy giving Bristow and Murphy a piece of her mind.

"Tom is multi-talented and creative and hard-working... and he's so modest that most of the time he won't even take credit for his ideas. You could learn a thing or two from him!"

Clearly irritated, B'Elanna stalked off, leaving them to stare after her in astonishment.

Her angry outburst hadn't gone unnoticed by the rest of the crowd, and people were starting to speculate. It wasn't unusual for her to lose her temper and get worked up about something... but over Tom Paris? Since when had B'Elanna Torres become his greatest champion?

Still fuming, B'Elanna sat down at a table with Harry and Sue Nicoletti. Sue was one of the few women who wasn't part of Tom's entourage. She wasn't all that impressed with him and preferred the company of Harry. They were good friends, brought closer by their love of music.

"Hi, B'Elanna," Harry greeted her warmly.

Sue smiled at her as well. "How's it going?"

She shrugged. "Okay, I guess."

"Did you get tired of your admirers?" teased Harry.

"What? Oh. Yeah, they were getting annoying."

By this time, Tom had finally managed to escape his entourage and headed to their table. "Hey, Harry. You think I'm going to let you get away with monopolizing the company of these two beautiful woman?"

Sue rolled her eyes, then got up to leave. "I've got to be going. Harry, I'll talk to you about quartet practice later."

"Okay. Goodnight, Sue."

"Goodnight."

Tom looked a little confused, but he sat down in the chair Sue had vacated, across from B'Elanna.

She smiled radiantly at him. A little thrill went through her as he smiled back with equal warmth.

He loved it when she granted him one of her rare genuine smiles. It made him want to smile as well...

He couldn't take his eyes off her. She was so beautiful, fiery and passionate. As the entire room had overheard, she had immediately come to his defense when Bristow had insulted him. He was amazed... and touched. That mattered more to him than everything the crowd of admirers had said. He had worked so hard to earn her trust and respect, knowing how difficult it was to achieve that, and it seemed that he finally had.

"Thanks," he said in a low voice. She gave a barely perceptible nod in response.

They stared intently at each other for a long moment as Harry continued to chatter about dilithium crystals. They weren't really listening to him, as they were too caught up in their own thoughts and questions that they couldn't quite verbalize, but he didn't seem to notice. If he did, he didn't let on.

Tom felt much more at ease now that he was with B'Elanna and Harry. The admirers were okay, but they were starting to get on his nerves. He always felt like he was on display, being scrutinized, and that he had to play up to the part that they expected of him. He had to act jovial, tell lots of jokes, be charming, the life of the party, the center of attention. It got tiring at times. With B'Elanna and Harry, he could be himself. They didn't expect him to regale them with dramatic stories or entertain them. They liked him for who he was. He could really talk to them.

The three friends didn't realize it, but quite a few people were staring at them and whispering. Though Harry seemed unaware of what was going on right in front of him, the chemistry between Tom and B'Elanna was fairly obvious to a perceptive few.

Tom and B'Elanna? It seemed an impossible combination, but... anything was possible on a ship like this.

But no one really took it that seriously, given Tom's reputation as a shallow womanizer and B'Elanna's reputation as an ice queen when it came to romance. The sparks might fly, but they would never ignite into a permanent flame. Not between those two.

No one considered it seriously... except Harry, who wasn't as oblivious as he let on. In fact, he had been doing his best to ensure that his two best friends got together.

* * *

The next day, everyone anxiously waited as the final preparations for the test flight were completed. B'Elanna was in Main Engineering, monitoring everything carefully and trying to keep the butterflies out of her stomach.

She knew that Tom must be going out of his mind. Her thoughts were with him. She was both hopeful and afraid for him at the same time, having heard that the Doctor had wanted Harry to make the test flight instead because of the medical risk. The slight enzymatic imbalance in Tom's cerebellum could cause a brain hemorrhage if the subspace pressure was too much. Shuddering at the gruesome image, she forced herself not to think about it. It was too horrifying, and she was worried enough about him as it was.

But in her heart, she knew that this was Tom's flight. She knew what it meant to him. He had to do this.

Besides, she thought that Harry was secretly relieved that he didn't have to make the flight. He was an adequate pilot but not for something like this. Tom was the one who'd been practicing during all the test flight simulations. He knew every inch of the shuttle and the new transwarp drive, how to maneuver it...

And she knew that Tom would never forgive himself if anything happened to his best friend. He would rather take the risk himself.

Her thoughts were interrupted as her console beeped, indicating that everything was ready.

"Torres to Bridge. The pre-launch sequence is complete, Captain."

"Acknowledged. Ensign Kim, de-pressurize the Shuttle Bay and open the space doors."

"Aye, Captain."

"Bridge to shuttlecraft Cochrane. You're cleared for launch."

"Aye, Captain. See you at warp ten."

The Cochrane launched and began increasing speed.

"How's his dilithium matrix holding up?" B'Elanna asked the ensign next to her.

"There's a slight variance in the warp field, but nothing to worry about."

"Okay. Torres to shuttlecraft Cochrane. You're cleared for transwarp velocity."

"Acknowledged. Engaging transwarp drive.."

She couldn't keep the smile off her face. It was thrilling to finally be testing the transwarp drive for real. If this worked...

"Warp 9.7 ... 9.8 ... 9.9 ... "

Voyager continued tracking the Cochrane, but they were soon unable to match the shuttle's velocity as the transwarp drive powered up.

"Switching to long-range sensors."

"Engine output at maximum," Tom reported. "Velocity... Warp ten."

"Yes!" Harry exclaimed, mirroring her sentiments exactly. _It works!_

Tom's voice became increasing distant. "I'm going to – Oh my god..." Suddenly, his voice faded into nothingness.

"Captain... he's gone," she heard Harry report.

_Gone?_ That couldn't be right. He was supposed to cut the engines as soon as the shuttle had reached warp ten...

The tension grew as they continued looking for any trace of the Cochrane.

Harry ran three full sensor sweeps but came up with nothing.

But as Tuvok had pointed out, it was unlikely that the shuttle had been destroyed. Tom had made it to warp ten, after all. It was reasonable to assume that he was still traveling at that velocity. Infinite velocity.

Still, he wasn't showing up on any of their long-range sensors, and that meant... _He could be anywhere._ Anywhere in the universe.

If that was the case, how were they ever going to find him?

_Stay calm,_ she told herself, taking a deep breath and trying not to panic. But her heart was racing, and visions of him injured and dying danced before her, haunting her...

_He has to be all right. _

"Lieutenant?" one of the ensigns called out meekly, interrupting her reverie. His colleagues exchanged nervous glances. Obviously her Engineering crew had picked up on her tension and anxiety. It put them on edge too.

B'Elanna resolved to stay calm, determined not to let her imagination conjure up horrifying images.

After what seemed like an eternity, the captain suggested a multi-spectral sweep, when...

... the Cochrane suddenly appeared off the port bow, apparently undamaged.

And the pilot...

He was back on Voyager, but they'd had to beam him directly to Sickbay. Her only thought was that she had to go to him immediately and see for herself that he was truly all right.

Leaving Carey in charge, B'Elanna dashed out the door and headed directly for Sickbay.

She rushed into Sickbay minutes later, breathless, and saw him there with the Doctor and the captain.

"Tom..."

He sat up instantly, about to ask her what she was doing there but thought better of it upon seeing her anxious expression. Instead, he quickly reassured her, "Oh, I'm all right. How's the shuttle?"

Immense relief flooded her. He was all right. And concerned about the shuttle, no less! That was so like him, downplaying the danger he had been through.

She smiled shyly, her eyes lighting up. "You brought it back without a scratch."

He grinned, and her knees went weak. She had to take a deep breath before continuing. "On-board sensors confirm that you did it. You made it to warp ten."

They smiled at each other, so lost in each other's eyes that they barely registered what the captain was saying.

"Congratulations, Mr. Paris. You've just made the history books."

"We should download the shuttle sensor logs. Analyze the telemetry we picked up, before we make another attempt –" He started to get up, eager to help her with analyzing the telemetry, but the Doctor stopped him.

"You're not going anywhere. At least, not for a few hours. I have some tests I'd like to run on your majesty before I release you back into the realm of ordinary humans."

B'Elanna suppressed a laugh as Tom assumed a regal pose. "You may... proceed."

Before she left, she gently patted his knee, giving it an affectionate squeeze.

He settled back onto the biobed with a sigh, unable to remember the last time that he had been this content.

B'Elanna returned to Main Engineering, beaming and also perfectly content. He was all right. Everything was working out.

* * *

A few hours later, Tom and B'Elanna sat together in the nearly deserted Mess Hall, hard at work, surrounded by countless data PADDs and tricorders containing the telemetry from the transwarp flight.

Neelix soon came by with more coffee. "This is a new blend," he told them cheerfully as he refilled their mugs. "I'm calling it 'Paris Delight.'"

B'Elanna smiled and looked to Tom to see his reaction, but he didn't seem to have heard Neelix.

"It's in honor of you," Neelix told him pointedly.

"What?" Tom finally lifted his head, still distracted. "Oh! Oh... thanks. That's very flattering."

B'Elanna chuckled to herself as Neelix wandered off, muttering, "I can see that."

Tom was thoroughly caught up in his work, that was all. He was dedicated to this project, and his mind was on more important things than a new coffee blend named in his honor.

But she couldn't resist saying, "Well, you might as well get used to it. You're a hero now."

He shrugged. "I wish I could say it was nothing."

Glancing back at him as he took a sip of his coffee, she couldn't help thinking how adorable and appealing he was with such an intense look of concentration on his face.

He made a face as the coffee went down. "Oh. ... Oh... I wish Neelix would name something after me that tasted a little better."

Lifting her own mug, she cautiously inhaled the aroma of the coffee. "Smells okay."

"No, trust me; you're taking your life into your hands."

She hid her smile of amusement. Tom was always discriminating about his food. Not to mention prone to exaggeration.

"So... I think the next step is to try to duplicate the first shuttle flight."

"I agree. We have to confirm that none of this was a fluke."

"But I do think that we should increase the shuttle's memory core by at least..." He stopped, looking a little queasy.

"What? What's wrong?" she asked, alarmed at the sudden change. He wasn't looking well.

"Oh... I don't think that coffee is settling too well." He winced.

"You want to go back to Sick Bay?" She tried to keep her tone light, but she was suddenly fearful.

"No. No, I've seen enough of the Doctor for one day," he said, closing his eyes momentarily. His vision was swimming, and he felt feverish. He stood up. "On second thought, maybe I should..."

He didn't have the chance to finish. The dizziness overwhelmed him, and he collapsed, falling against the table and then to the floor.

B'Elanna was instantly at his side. The veins in his forehead were bulging, and he was gasping for breath. She hit her commbadge. "Torres to Transporter Room Two. Medical emergency! Beam Lieutenant Paris directly to Sickbay."

"I – I can't lock onto him; his pattern keeps changing."

She tried again. "Torres to Sickbay. We need a medical team in the Mess Hall right away." They acknowledged.

Taking a deep breath, she placed her hand on his shoulder supportively. "Hang on, Tom."

The minutes dragged by as they waited for the medical team.

She looked down at Tom, who was obviously in considerable pain. He was wheezing, and he looked confused and frightened.

_Where are they?_ she agonized. _They should be here by now! _

Squeezing his shoulder again, she murmured reassuring words to him, trying to soothe him as best she could. "Everything's going to be all right. Just hang on..."

At last the medical team arrived.

_It's about time!_

She insisted on helping them carry him to Sickbay. They gave her a strange look but didn't argue.

After setting Tom down on the surgical biobed, the medics left immediately. But B'Elanna stayed by his side, anxiously monitoring his lifesigns, answering the Doctor's questions and trying to comfort Tom in any way she could.

"Hmm... " the Doctor mused as he ran preliminary scans. "It looks like he's having an allergic reaction. What did he ingest?"

"Just a cup of Neelix's coffee."

The Doctor raised his eyebrows. "It's a miracle he's still alive," he quipped.

B'Elanna wasn't really paying attention to the Doctor because she was completely focused on Tom. She placed her hand over his, gently squeezing it to reassure him, to let him know she was there for him, that she wasn't going to leave him. Touching his forehead, stroking his hair. He looked so ill... and she feared the worst.

The medical tricorder beeped. "This is strange," said the Doctor with a frown.

"What is?"

"He's definitely having an allergic reaction... to the water in the coffee."

That got her attention. "He's allergic to _water_?" _How is that possible?_

Tom was struggling to breathe. Every moment was increasingly difficult.

Gazing down at him, she brought her hand to his forehead again in a tender caress, wishing that there were more she could do to help him. Her eyes never left him.

Tom could hear the Doctor's voice as he continued with the diagnosis, but he sounded distant. As did B'Elanna. He couldn't see very well because his eyes were unfocused, but he knew she was near. He could feel her presence, the comforting little touches, the way her hand gently brushed against his. She was there at his side.

But all of a sudden, the pain grew sharper, and it was impossible to breathe.

"The alveoli in his lungs are mutating," the Doctor reported. "He's no longer processing oxygen."

_He's suffocating,_ she realized. She turned to the Doctor in desperation. "What should we do?!"

"Stand back."

She was reluctant to leave Tom's side but obeyed.

"Computer, erect an isolation field around the surgical bay." Instantly, the field appeared. "Computer, remove all the air from within the forcefield and replace it with 80 percent nitrogen and 20 percent acid dichloride." The computer beeped and complied.

"He can breathe, for now."

Tom did seem better able to breathe, but he was still in pain. He looked to their direction in a silent plea for help.

B'Elanna stood there, rooted to the spot. She felt so helpless.

"What's happening to him?"

"I have no idea. But I assume it had something to do with his experience on the shuttle."

Suddenly, he gave a cry of utter agony, a wail that pierced her heart. "NOOOOOOOO!!"

_Do something!_ she silently entreated the Doctor.

The Doctor continued running scans, looking thoroughly puzzled and worried.

"His cellular membranes are deteriorating. He's dying."

_No... _

She felt as though a part of her was dying as well.

It was a shock to fully realize how much he meant to her, how deeply she cared for him.

She was terrified of losing him.

"I need to know more about what happened on that shuttle, and I need to know it now," the Doctor said. "Radiation levels, unexplained anomalies, anything."

She nodded tersely, then hurried off to retrieve that information. Anything to help Tom.

* * *

Later that night, B'Elanna returned to Sick Bay with the last of the data that the Doctor had requested. She had decided to deliver it personally so that she would have an excuse to see Tom.

Sick Bay was barely illuminated, making it difficult to see anything.

"Doctor?"

He was in his office and stood up when he heard her. He looked... tired. "Lieutenant."

"Here's the rest of the data from the shuttle flight..." she started to say, glancing around Sickbay.

As her eyes adjusted, she noticed the figure on the surgical biobed. Covered.

Seized by horror, she rushed to his side.

"Stop! Don't go over there!"

She gasped as she realized it was too late. _Dead,_ she thought numbly. _He's dead._

In that instant, she ceased to feel. She felt absolutely nothing. The shock overwhelmed anything else she might have felt.

"Death occurred at 2307 hours, as a result of massive respiratory and cardiac failure. His vital systems mutated beyond repair, and his cellular membranes degenerated completely. I plan to do an autopsy first thing tomorrow morning..." The Doctor droned on, but she wasn't listening.

_Tom..._

"I'm sorry," the Doctor said quietly. "There was nothing more we could do for him."

B'Elanna nodded slightly then mechanically walked out of Sickbay.

The Doctor stared after her. Suddenly, Tom's words came to mind. He had been delirious, rambling on and on about his funeral, how there would be lots of pretty girls there, all of them crying over him... all except B'Elanna, because she never cried. That had seemed to bother Tom considerably, that she wouldn't mourn his death at all.

Somehow the Doctor doubted that. Doubted it very much, recalling how she had been when they had first brought him in to Sickbay, how she had refused to leave Tom's side from the moment he had collapsed in the Mess Hall.

No, the Doctor had the distinct feeling that Lieutenant Torres would have quite a few tears to shed over the death of Tom Paris. Perhaps not in public, but she would always grieve in her own way.

* * *

After her shift, B'Elanna went back to her quarters, thoroughly spent.

She couldn't stop thinking about him. Images, memories fresh in her mind flashed before her eyes. Only a few short hours ago, the two of them had been sitting in the Mess Hall together working on the transwarp project.

Everything had happened so fast.

Earlier that afternoon in Sickbay, the epiphany had struck her like lightning...

_I love him._ No, that wasn't quite right any longer. _I loved him._ Past tense. He was dead. Gone. Beyond her reach forever.

Not that he'd ever really been within her reach.

Still, she wished that she could have told him how much he meant to her. How much she appreciated him, respected him, admired him, cared for him.

He had always been good to her, even when she hadn't deserved such consideration. At times she had been downright rude and utterly undeserving of his kindness, she was ashamed to admit.

She had kept her distance because she had been afraid. Afraid to trust him. Afraid to care. Afraid of the depth of her own feelings for him.

So many memories. The underground caves of the Ocampa homeworld... shooting pool in Sandrine's... how she had called him a pig... the Vadiian mines... lunches and dinners together in the Mess Hall... how he had rescued her from the Pralor robots... all the time they had spent working on this project...

She remembered him, so alive and vibrant. Young and hopeful, optimistic and lighthearted despite all the suffering he'd been through. His familiar, comforting presence. He had been such an important part of her life, and she couldn't imagine what it would be like without him.

There was so much she wanted to say to him... but it was too late for any of that. Nothing but regret remained.

The tears silently coursed down her face, the pain finally asserting itself. Overcoming the numbness. But not the emptiness.

She had lost many people in her life – too many – but she had always managed to condition herself to deal with it and move on.

But not this time. There was too much pain.

For the first time in years, she cried herself to sleep, mourning her loss.

* * *

_Unbelievable._

It was crazy, but he had come back to life. Part of her was ecstatic, but another part of her knew that it wouldn't be easy to treat him. He was still mutating at a terrible rate.

She forced herself to concentrate on her work. Worrying wasn't going to help Tom. She needed to focus on her job instead.

Unfortunately, her anxiety made her brusque and snappish, and her crew was walking on eggshells around her.

Even during the senior staff meeting the captain had raised an eyebrow over B'Elanna's snappishness when the Doctor had told them his latest treatment plan for Tom.

It probably came across as annoyance at the extra work, having to take the warp core off-line and make modifications to it under intense time pressure, but that wasn't it at all. She was just so worried about Tom... and it was making her crazy.

Working tirelessly, they finally finished setting up the interface to the warp core so that it would emit bursts of antiproton radiation.

B'Elanna monitored everything carefully, supervising the procedure. She looked over at Tom, who had mutated beyond recognition. But he was still Tom, even if he didn't look and act like it.

He looked extremely agitated and uncomfortable in the isotropic restraint, and her heart went out to him. She fervently hoped that the antiproton radiation treatment would help him. _This has to work. It just __**has**__ to. _

"We're ready," she reported to the Doctor.

He nodded in acknowledgment. "Infuse him with a two second antiproton burst."

As the antiproton bursts began, Tom continued to struggle against his restraints.

"Doctor, the mutated DNA in his liver cells has begun to deteriorate, but the original coding isn't taking over," Kes reported.

"I don't understand. This should be working." The Doctor frowned pensively. "We'll have to increase the duration of the bursts. Lieutenant, prepare a five second burst," he directed B'Elanna. "Also, you'll need to begin depolarizing –"

Suddenly, there was a loud crash. B'Elanna turned in the direction of the commotion. "My god..."

Chaos ensued.

"Get him!"

"Ooomph!"

"Call security!"

"Oww!"

Dodging the random phaser fire in engineering, she rushed over to where Tom had broken free of his restraints and was now wrestling with three engineers. They were attempting to restrain him without much success.

"I've got him, I've got him!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He managed to break free of their grasp and grab a phaser.

"Over there!"

They continued to exchange phaser fire.

"Cut him off now!"

"AAAUUUGGHHH!" one of the ensigns yelled as a burst of phaser fire hit him instead Tom.

"Security to Engineering, right away!"

The computer beeped, and Tuvok's voice could be heard in a shipwide announcement. "This is a level three security alert. All hands, report to duty stations."

Seconds later, the first wave of security guards burst into Main Engineering. They were more accurate in their aim, but the direct hits didn't seem to faze Tom.

"Increase power settings on phasers," someone ordered. "Fire!"

"No effect!"

"It's not working!"

"Set phasers to 'kill!'"

A nearby ensign complied and aimed his phaser at Tom.

"NO!" B'Elanna screamed. "Don't hurt him!"

Caught off-guard by her sudden outburst, the ensign missed.

She cringed as three other security guards simultaneously fired their phasers at him. Fortunately, he didn't seem too badly affected, just momentarily stunned. He was all right, she breathed a sigh of relief.

But the relief was short-lived. He was still frantically trying to make his getaway.

"Tom, stop! We're trying to help! We're not going to hurt you." She ran to his side, dropping to the floor on her knees and clutching his hand.

Everyone stared at this unexpected display of emotion. The security guards didn't dare fire, not with her at such close range.

The doors opened, admitting another team of security personnel led by Tuvok.

"Lieutenant Torres. Step away from him," Tuvok commanded. "NOW."

She paid him no heed. "Tom... can you hear me? It's me, B'Elanna."

He thrashed in panic, wild-eyed. Not recognizing her.

Her heart was breaking. She couldn't bear to see him like this. He was obviously terrified and working on instinct alone.

"Lieutenant Torres." She looked up, startled. Tuvok looked about ready to order his security team to bodily drag her away from Tom's side.

Tom took advantage of the distraction to jump up and make a run for it, knocking over two unsuspecting engineers in the process. He bolted out of Engineering, pursued by three security teams.

Momentarily stunned, B'Elanna stared after them. Tuvok gave her a thoroughly disapproving, chastising look before he resumed issuing commands to his security team.

She made a face at his back as Lieutenant Nicoletti and Ensign Vorik helped her to her feet.

* * *

She shook her head to clear it. This was strange, but as Captain Janeway always said, "Weird is part of the job."

B'Elanna knew that. She had seen her more than her share of bizarre happenings.

She wasn't sure whether she should be jealous or disturbed. Chakotay had been both, she knew. That was why he hadn't bothered to retrieve the three alien offspring. Fortunately, the captain and Tom had agreed with Chakotay's decision.

B'Elanna chuckled to herself, remembering the expression on Chakotay's face when he had told her what had happened on the away mission. He had been completely nonplused. She could tell it was still bothering him. It was very subtle, but she had spent enough time with Chakotay to recognize his moods and feelings. She was well aware that Chakotay harbored strong feelings for the captain and thought that he was too... but perhaps he hadn't realized the depth of those feelings until now. This incident had forced him to confront and re-evaluate his feelings for Captain Janeway.

It was a time for revelations and epiphanies, it seemed.

B'Elanna had already been through hers. She'd already had her entire world turned upside-down in the past few days, and after going through that, she could deal with just about anything. So she didn't really feel that jealous or disturbed, truth be told. "Weird" was something she had accepted a long time ago as a given in their lives.

No, she didn't feel anything except gratitude and relief that Tom was all right. He was alive and back to normal, more or less.

So she would have a second chance to show him that she cared about him.

She hadn't been very kind to him in the past, she thought with regret. She'd lashed out at him, pushed him away when he had only been trying to be her friend. He deserved better. He had always been good to her, after all, even when he'd had no reason to be that nice to her. He was too kind-hearted to think ill of her, though she had given him plenty of reasons to dislike her.

She resolved to be a better friend to him, starting from this very moment. It wouldn't be easy to open up, to share more, but she would do it. She wanted him to know how much she cared about him.

_How much I love him,_ she corrected herself. She couldn't deny it any longer. After realizing what it was like to lose him... she couldn't bear to go through anything like that ever again. She had been forced to admit to herself that she did indeed love him.

It was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time, as she hadn't known that she could feel this way about anyone. She didn't know what would happen if it ever got out of control. Fearing that once unleashed, the passion would consume her completely...

_I love him,_ B'Elanna repeated to herself.

But she couldn't do anything about it. Of course she could never tell him that she loved him, because he would never reciprocate. He would never be interested in having a serious long-term relationship with her. A physical encounter perhaps, but that was all. And even though that appealed to her – she certainly desired him, after all – it wasn't enough.

No, she wanted him to love her the way she loved him.

But that wasn't possible. It was too much to hope for, too much to ask. She wasn't his type, and he wouldn't want to get seriously involved with her.

He could never love her the way she loved him. She was absolutely devoted to him. So much so that she couldn't stand to hear others belittle or insult him. She knew he wasn't perfect, of course, but that didn't matter. It was part of what she loved about him.

She wanted to give him all the love in her heart, but she couldn't bear the thought of rejection. He still seemed to have feelings for Kes. And even if he didn't, there were countless other possibilities. He could go out with practically any woman on the ship if he wanted to.

She had to keep him at arm's length for her own safety because if she let him get too close, he would break down all her defenses, and she would be forced to admit how she really felt about him. And she would be utterly humiliated and mortified if anyone found out, so she would have to hide her true feelings.

It made her feel so vulnerable. Exposed. He had the power to hurt her terribly.

She couldn't take any of his invitations seriously because if she did, she would get her hopes up. Develop high expectations, only to be disappointed in the end. She couldn't let that happen. It would devastate her.

She had little faith in love... and too many doubts.

No, she couldn't tell him how she really felt about him, but she could be his friend. The best she could possibly be. She would let down her guard, open up to him, trust him, talk to him, let him know that she cared about him. Even though she was too much of a coward to tell him flat out that she loved him, she could still give him her friendship.

It would have to be enough for now.

The End

(not really! go read "Breaking Barriers" now! :) )


End file.
